How to Mend a Broken Heart?

As human, one of the greatest gift life can give is to love. Fall in love, fall deeply in love, falling in love, and lastly fell in love. 

Break-ups are nasty,

it makes you stay awake at nights, it makes foods don't have a taste, it makes you feel like it's impossible to believe anymore, to fall in love once again. 

I am 21 years old, and this wasn't my first relationship. I have loved others before, but this one, it was special. I loved this person with all my heart. Foolish enough to think that it would last forever. When I fell in love, like John Green said in one of his novels, I fell slowly and then all at once. Yes, it was all at once. I really gave my heart completely. 

But at one point I realized, that this won't end as a happy ending. First of all, it was a long distance relationship, and let me tell you, it's a bitch. I have fell into its trap for some times now and I really not willing to try again. Don't get me wrong, some people can nail it, but maybe.. not me. And it's not because I cannot bear the coldness of internet, but the fear of losing hope. 

It happened, and unfortnately, it wasn't me, it was my partner who lost the hope. I appreciate her honesty, but man.. How hurt it made me feel. How. Hurt. This happens when a person you love broke your trust: at first it feels so hurt, you can feel nothing but sadness, drowning in sadness, until you learn to swim on it, but to swim on the sadness in order overcome it, you would feel nothing, your heart is empty. And the worst is.. You don't know when you could trust someone again. Trust that whole new person your imperfect heart. 

But you know what?

This is life. This is the life we live and we should celebrate it. Even the hardest parts of it.. Break-ups, failures, even death, we celebrate with mourning, grieving, sleepless nights and as many tasteless foods possible. 

And then we rise. 

We rise. Because life is going on, 

'Gimana Ntar' dan 'Ntar Gimana'

Apa sih yang ada di pikiran kalian ketika mendengar kedua kalimat itu? Terdiri dari kata yang sama loh, cuma posisinya aja yang terbalik, satunya 'gimana ntar' dan yang satunya lagi 'ntar gimana'. Cuma masalah beda posisi saja? Menurut saya sih arti dari kedua kalimat itu berbeda sekali, dan sangat berperan dalam menentukan jalannya hidup kita. Kenapa begitu? 

Dulu saya termasuk orang yang sangat sangat santai. Kalau ada tugas presentasi? Baca bahan sekenanya deh, lalu sisanya.. Gimana ntar saja deh. Belum lancar nyetir mobil? Suka malas latihan dan selalu berpikir.. Gimana ntar saja deh. Tau minggu depan ada kuis? Kalo ada niat ya belajar, kalo gak ada ya.. Gimana ntar saja deh. 

Tapi kemudian sebuah realization menghantam saya. Yang namanya niat, mau ditunggu sampai kapan juga tidak akan pernah datang sendiri. Kitalah yang harus mengumpulkan sendiri niat itu. Apa sih gunanya niat? Ya untuk jalan hidup kita tentunya. Saya juga kemudian berpikir bahwa paham 'gimana ntar' tidak akan membawa saya kemana-mana, apalagi selangkah lebih dekat mendekati impian saya.

Jadi sayapun mulai berkutat merubah pola pikir yang sudah lama mengendap di alam bawah sadar, yaitu bangaimana caranya merubah 'gimana ntar' menjadi 'ntar gimana'.

Ada tugas presentasi.. Ntar gimana ya? Kalau ada yang nanya pertanyaan tentang ini bagaimana ya? Kalau powerpointnya seperti ini kira-kira bagaimana ya? Sudah sesuai belum? 

Ada kuis minggu depan.. Ntar gimana ya kuisnya? Apa saja sih yang perlu dipersiapkan dan materi apa saja yang perlu saya perdalam ya?

Sedikit demi sedikit saya mulai mencoba perubah sifat saya yang serba cuek (menurut saya sendiri saya adalah orang yang amat sangat nyantai) dan mulai take more responsibility of my own life. Saya mulai mencoba untuk tidak lagi mengeluhkan tugas demi tugas, dan mulai mengalihkan pemikiran saya kepada bagaimana ya cara menyelesaikan semua ini dengan baik? Saya sadari, dengan berubahnya pola pikir saya yang sedikit demi sedikit itu, saya merasa saya berubah menjadi orang yang lebih perfeksionis daripada sebelumnya. Saya masih belum tahu itu hal yang baik atau buruk, tapi apa yang saya tahu adalah, too much is never good. So, saya ingin yang seimbang-seimbang saja dalam hidup saya. 

Hal lain yang saya pikirkan adalah dengan berpandangan lebih kedepan dan memikirkan 'ntar gimana' untuk masa depan saya. Juga untuk hidup saya secara keseluruhan. Saya tahu bahwa kita hidup untuk hari ini. Tapi saya benar-benar merasa pemikiran saya dahulu yang lebih mengarah ke 'gimana ntar' tidak menuntun saya kemana-mana, saya seperti jalan di tempat setiap harinya, dan jujur itu menakutkan untuk saya. 

Dan satu hal lagi yang berubah karena 'ntar gimana'.. saya merasa lebih berani untuk memimpikan impian saya, karena saya tahu, saya sudah selangkah lebih dekat. Istirahat yang saya dapat terasa lebih berharga, karena saya mendapatkannya setelah mengerjakan sesuatu.

Kasih Ibu Sepanjang Masa

Ingat lagu ini?

Kasih ibu, kepada beta..

Tak terhingga sepanjang masa

Hanya memberi, tak harap kembali

Bagai sang surya menyinari dunia

Masih ingat? Mungkin jawabannya, belakangan ini tidak.

Berjalannya waktu, serta sibuknya pencarian jati diri dan tempat saya di masyarakat tanpa disadari terkadang membuat saya lupa betapa besarnya arti kehadiran dan peranan ibu dalam hidup saya. Dunia masa kecil yang memang rasanya jauh lebih kecil dan sederhana daripada masa penjajakan menuju dewasa yang saat ini sedang saya tempuh (dan terkadang dengan susah payah), kerap kali membuat saya lupa menghargai ibu saya yang juga mulai menua.

Dulu, dimasa kecil, dialah ratu hidup saya. Pagi, siang dan malam di masa kecil saya habiskan untuk menunggunya pulang kantor, menyambut klakson mobilnya dengan girang tiada tara, puas karena penantian seharian terbalas dengan senyumnya yang menjadi sumber kenyamanan hati ini, tanpa tanda-tanda lelah diajaknya saya berkeliling gang kompleks rumah barang dua atau tiga kali putaran. Hati anak kecil saya yang kurang peka waktu itu, tidak melihat lebih dalam daripada kesenangan, tapi kini setelah merasakan sibuknya kuliah dan hari yang dipenuhi kegiatan dari pagi hingga malam, saya mulai dapat membayangkan, betapa lelahnya ibu saya, dan betapa besarnya rasa letih yang setiap hari dia abaikan dulu, demi memuaskan saya yang minta diajak 'keliling'.

Ibu saya memang selalu sibuk bekerja, dan dia baik dalam pekerjaannya. Saya mengagumi dia, terlebih ketika saya tahu, amat sangat banyak andil dan pengorbanan yang dia lakukan untuk membangun keluarga ini, dengan kata lain, membesarkan saya dan adik. Tak dapat saya pungkiri dengan segenap penyesalan, bahwa saya adalah anak yang egois. Lama setelah hari-hari yang saya habiskan di masa kecil menanti klakson mobilnya di ruang depan (bahkan kadang teras rumah), saya tumbuh lebih dan lebih tak acuh terhadapnya. Ya, kini saya punya dunia sendiri, dan dia rasanya amat jauh dari dunia saya. Tidak saya sadari sama sekali, bahwa ternyata dia selalu ada, dia tetap ibu saya yang dengannya saya memiliki memori indah masa kecil yang tak ternilai harganya, dan akan selalu saya simpan seumur hidup saya. Bahkan ditengah perjuangannya melewati hari demi hari bersama penyakitnya, ternyata tak sedikitpun rasa pedulinya berkurang terhadap saya.

Saya tidak akan mengatakan bahwa kami memiliki hubungan ibu-anak yang sempurna luar biasa, namun apa yang kami lewati, arti ibu saya bagi saya, tidak dapat saya jelaskan dengan kata-kata. Dialah panutan saya, orang yang saya kagumi, seseorang yang saya harap, suatu ketika nanti, saya dapat menjadi seperti dirinya, punya hati selapang dirinya. 

Sewaktu kecil saya tidak begitu memahami arti lagu Kasih Ibu yang kerap saya nyanyikan di kelas ketika TK, namun sekarang, setelah bertahun-tahun berlalu, saya menyadari makna lagu itu dengan pemahaman saya sendiri, dengan pengalaman manis pahitnya hidup yang saya lewati bersama ibu saya selama 20 tahun, dan akhirnya saya paham, bahwa ibu saya akan selalu ada bersama saya, sekarang dan selama saya hidup di dunia, dia akan selalu jadi ratu di hati saya.

Books Crave

Top of the list: The Cuckoo's Calling by Robert Galbraith
So, I discovered some time ago that this is actually written by JK Rowling.
It has been out there on the bookstore for almost a year (yeah?) now and I lately discovered that my favorite writer ever was the one who wrote it. :'(

It has been translated to Indonesian evenso, the price is still very high and I have been tricked to vowed to my mom not to buy another fiction book in 2014, when she said so she meant it, I know :s So I'm basically screwed now lol.
She frequently inviting me for a cup of coffee in Starbucks though (you know, buy one get one free promo) and I have been counting on this brain of mine that if I don't go at all on her invitation of having Starbucks for at least 3 months, I can save up the money and buy Cuckoo's Calling! lol. Silly thought right?
But anyway, I won't do so lah.. I can't just go to her and say 'Ma, I want money instead of Starbucks treat.' Because our quality time together is beyond everything and I don't want her to share that buy one get one free promo with anyone else but me :p (I'm a possesive daughter, I know)

Okay lah back to the topic..
I think I understand why JK Rowling used an Alias on this book. It must be so hard to write another book after an epic Harry Potter and not being judged.
I have read The Casual Vacancy not so long after it's been released (my mom was still very generous back then) and actually I loved it very much. Here's the thing about JK Rowling, it's all about plotline, I think. Her plotline is always very strong and everything seems deeply thought before she wrote it down.
Struggling as a writer who try to write, I know that I haven't succeed at all on that plotline thingy. Writer's block all the way, dude, and it always ends up rambling about unnecessary things.

Last christmas my sister bought me a book Eleanor & Park though, I am still working on my review about that book and hopefully will share it soon. And she also bought Sakae Tsuboi's book, Twenty Four Eyes.
I haven't read it :p eventhough I am also so excited because it's a Japanese writer's work man! But yeah, when it come to books I can be so greedy *throw peace sign*

Beside Cuckoo's Calling, I encountered 2 books, they poked my interest also T.T 

The first one is English by a Chinese writer whom name I forgot already..

So I can't insert a pic of the book cover here.

But it is about a school in a rural area of China, and the story started when a new English teacher, young, carrying dictionary of English everywhere and from Shanghai comes along. I am, basically interested in all Chinese-ee thingy, so really wanna read that of course. But seriously, beside of my vacuum cleaner like interest about Chinese culture and people, the story seems so very interesting to me! 

And one more is Tokyo Tower by Lily Franky 

All the reviews I saw on goodreads telling that this one is such a touching story. 

You know what intrigued me the most? The tagline: 

TOKYO TOWER 

'Mom, and me, and sometimes Dad' 

The good news this, there is a Dorama version of this and I think I am gonna watch the dorama first. Because I am not so sure about the translated edition as well. 

So, it's 2014 already! How fast time flies huh?
The new year's eve of 2013 is still fresh in my mind just as it was only yesterday and suddenly 2014 is already here! Anyway, to sum up my 2013, it was clearly better than 2012, although, in 2013 I felt like I lost my focus on many things! The first half of 2013 was amazing though! I performed and in charge for food and transportation on my choir event: "Jazzile". Which is a choir concert performing jazzy and pop songs! Which is my favorite, so yay! Some songs on the concert are really my favorite, such as Night and Day by Cole Porter and of course, Girl from Ipanema! Anyway, the concert went great. I was really happy to see both of my dad, and surprisingly, mom were there to watch the concert, also my sisters.
During that first half a year, I did quite well on the classes also, I mean despite all those practice schedule, but I nailed it, some grades are not so much satifying though, but it's acceptable for me, cause I know that I have done good enough.
The other half year, unfortunately, I didn't do such a great job! I have been so bad bad student around these past 6 months and I realized I didn't give my full attention on the lessons. Which had been such a let down to me! At least now I assure that laziness only bring one thing in the end: it's regret!
I am quite surprise seeing all what I've been through this past year now, not in the middle of new year's eve excitement. I am sure that if I do this reflection on the new year's eve I would not be objective enough on the perspective. What made me surprise? That the only obstacle I have to conquer is myself! Not all the activities outside, but when I got nothing to do, that's when I started to get lazy and so so taking everything for granted!
So, I've been thinking not to make any new year's resulution for this year. Cause all I ever did all this time was to make a resolution and ignore that list the upcoming year ahead lol.

So, I think, yeah, I'm not gonna make one :D
I only wanna set my focus on 3 things in this 2014, which are:
1. MY STUDIES!!
2. My responsibility of a project in choir.
3. My Chinese lesson!
(I promise myself, no matter what is gonna happen tis year I won't stop learning this language!)

So, a little bit tenacity and I'll be fine. I guess. I hope. I have to!

明天会更好

I am so grateful for the lessons I got in 2013.
And, last but not least, I wanna say that I am really grateful that I've met some amazing people that I can call my friend now. Although we live so far from each others but we know that we're true friends, sincere friends. You can meet amazing people from anywhere, and I am just so glad to know them, and I will always keep them in my memories, close to my heart. Friend is a treasure.
Thank you for reminded me that :)

My Dream Jobs

Isn't everyone has a dream job?

As for me, I got a list of 10 jobs that I consider as cool jobs (It's still tentative and can change anytime though :p) 

Camila's dream job: 

10. CHEF 

Why?

Food is an art. That's why, baby. 

09. FASHION STYLIST 

Why? 

That bag, with that shoes, no, that green bag isn't match the entire outfit. LOL. 

08. INDIE BAND SINGER (THE COOL ONE) 

Why?

Hey, we play cool music.

07. TRANSLATOR

Why? 

Sophisticated :') 

06. TOUR LEADER

Why? 

January: Rome, February: Paris! and so on.. 

05. PILOT 

Why? 

Fly me to the (nearest point of the) moon (we could be) 

04. BOOK EDITOR 

Why? 

You help a book to be born. 

03. WILD LIFE SHOW PRESENTER 

Why?

"Seems like that lion is sleeping.. no.. no.. no.. He wakes up.!!! Oh thank God he's just stretching his ass off.." 

02. TEACHER 

Why?

I don't know :') 

01. WRITER

Why?

..... :) 

Kokoro こころ

"No, sir, I am simply being sincere. And in all sincerity, I wish to learn about life." 

- Soseki Natsume on Kokoro. 

This was the second Japanese literature I have ever read.
This was the  first Japanese literature I have read in an English translation.

In fact, after reading Kokoro, I became interested in Japanese literature in general. I borrowed 'The Setting Sun' by Dazai Osamu rightly after I finished reading Kokoro, and now I'm currently reading that.
I know it's too soon to judge after just reading 2 books of Japanese Literature (Kokoro and Toto-Chan by Tetsuko Kuroyanagi), I feel like the way Japanese writers writings fit me well.
I've been on goodreads these days, browsing for Japanese Literature, of course, there are so many choices out there.

Is anyone know what's the writing style used in Kokoro?
It isn't surrealistic, right?

In Kokoro, I love the way Soseki Natsume describe things clearly, but even so, still very beautiful. Of course Edwin McClellan did a very great job, but I wonder what would it feel like to read Kokoro on Japanese. I sometimes stopped for a while when reading this book to murmuring to myself, 'Oh God..' Cause, yeah, sometimes Soseki's sentence can make me paralyzed for a moment and feel blue lol, or thinking 'Damn true'.

I will definitely read Soseki Natsume's again in the future! (And another Japanese writers)